I’m not ready for this just yet…
…but I’m happy to report that it’s been a landmark week for me in my recovery from OCD. Last Wednesday Doc Awesome called time on my “planned” exposure homework, which I’d done almost every single day since mid-May, when Chris Cornell’s suicide sent me into the most severe lapse I’ve had in years – if not ever.
And now I don’t have to do it anymore.
Don’t get me wrong: I still have to do exposure work. Unplanned exposure is the yin to planned exposure’s regimented yan. Unwanted thoughts are still going to pop up; one of the goals of planned ERP is developing the skills necessary to deal with them quickly and effectively. But (to paraphrase Lin-Manuel Miranda) look at where I am; look at where we started! In June I made what’s known as a fear hierarchy, which, simply put, is a ranked list of things that trigger my obsessive thoughts. On that initial list I gave a 10-out-of-10 to watching the Netflix angst-a-thon 13 Reasons Why. I finished the series last week; its final rating was a 2. Meanwhile, another item, which I’ve got as a 4/10, didn’t even make the original list because, as I wrote in my OCD journal, “I didn’t think there’d ever be any way I’d be able to do it.” Not only have I done it (numerous times, actually), 4 might be a generous rating.
So we’re making progress. It’s been slow, at times agonizingly so – but it’s been steady, and this latest development’s pretty major. There’s still work to do, and planned exposures will resume at various points (like next week, in preparation for my first work trip of the new recruitment year). But all success in mental health recovery is worth celebrating – and today, on World Mental Health Day, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to celebrate myself.
It isn’t mission accomplished. But it’s mission going better than ever.