What Comes Next?

As with Donald Trump tweets, there’s a Hamilton song for every occasion:

I’m in recovery, according to Doc Awesome, which means (put slightly different) I’m on my own. Awesome, wow! But do I have a clue what happens now?

Well, yes. Kind of.

I’ve got relatively mild OCD. But I’ve been working hard at my recovery ever since getting thrown through a bit of a loop in mid-May, and four things have been especially vital.

They are, in approximate order of importance:

  1. Sleep
  2. Diet
  3. Mindfulness (there’s no magic bullet for recovery, but I’m growing more and more convinced that mindfulness meditation is pretty darn close)
  4. Exercise

This is basic stuff, but it’s critical; if I don’t get enough sleep, for example, my brain will be grumpy the following day. I’ve done other stuff, too. I did daily exposure with response prevent, or ERP, from mid-May to early October. And I still take an antidepressant, though I plan on reducing my dosage in the new year. Ultimately, though, living with OCD often means simply living with OCD – letting the unwanted thoughts come and go, treating them like the mental flotsam they probably are, and not giving them any power. And it means taking basic self-care measures that are vital to everyday well-being regardless of whether or not you have a mental disorder.

Having mild OCD means it seldom incapacitates me. It certainly has, once upon a time, but that was before I developed the tools to manage it. I’ve got them now, ready to be deployed at a moment’s notice. Ironically, I reached a point a few weeks ago where my recovery from OCD was actually becoming compulsive – and so I’ve pulled back a bit, and instead of meticulously cataloging my day-to-day well-being I’ve simply committed to living well with or without OCD symptoms. And by doing that, I’m actually speeding my recovery up. So that’s what comes next: slow and steady progress towards a life where OCD’s allowed to come and go as it pleases and where I’m able to ignore it almost completely. It’s nice to know that goal’s becoming closer and closer with each passing day.


Notes from a Monday Evening Appointment

I chatted with Doc Awesome on Monday. Here are the notes from our appointment:

  • You’re in recovery.
    • “You’re living your life with OCD. You’re not giving into rituals. You’re responding to obsessions the way we’ve talked about. You’re not avoiding things.”
  • Continue to agree with/magnify your obsessive thoughts, no matter how difficult, every single time
  • Acceptance:
    • OCD wants you to see yourself as different. You’re not.
    • We all have to live with these worst-case scenarios, even if non-OCDers don’t think about them.
    • “I’m going to keep doing these things with the possibility that my worst fear could happen.”
  • Respond matter-of-factly to OCD: “Oh, there it is again!” Don’t give obsessions an emotional response in any way; respond in the opposite way that OCD expects.
  • Your attitude – of ambivalence, of indifference – will get you where you want to go. Ambivalence takes the power away from OCD.
  • Continue to treat OCD like an annoying friend
  • Don’t be frustrated by OCD. Instead, see it as a challenge.
  • Don’t be obsessive about recovery. Let go of the obsession about getting better!
  • Touch base once a month? Every 5-6 weeks?

There’s still work to be done – but look at where we are; look at where we started.

Thank you everyone from your support these past few months.

Success Story

I’m not ready for this just yet…


…but I’m happy to report that it’s been a landmark week for me in my recovery from OCD. Last Wednesday Doc Awesome called time on my “planned” exposure homework, which I’d done almost every single day since mid-May, when Chris Cornell’s suicide sent me into the most severe lapse I’ve had in years – if not ever.

And now I don’t have to do it anymore.

Don’t get me wrong: I still have to do exposure work. Unplanned exposure is the yin to planned exposure’s regimented yan. Unwanted thoughts are still going to pop up; one of the goals of planned ERP is developing the skills necessary to deal with them quickly and effectively. But (to paraphrase Lin-Manuel Miranda) look at where I am; look at where we started! In June I made what’s known as a fear hierarchy, which, simply put, is a ranked list of things that trigger my obsessive thoughts. On that initial list I gave a 10-out-of-10 to watching the Netflix angst-a-thon 13 Reasons Why. I finished the series last week; its final rating was a 2. Meanwhile, another item, which I’ve got as a 4/10, didn’t even make the original list because, as I wrote in my OCD journal, “I didn’t think there’d ever be any way I’d be able to do it.” Not only have I done it (numerous times, actually), 4 might be a generous rating.

So we’re making progress. It’s been slow, at times agonizingly so – but it’s been steady, and this latest development’s pretty major. There’s still work to do, and planned exposures will resume at various points (like next week, in preparation for my first work trip of the new recruitment year). But all success in mental health recovery is worth celebrating – and today, on World Mental Health Day, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to celebrate myself.

It isn’t mission accomplished. But it’s mission going better than ever.

What OCD is Not

OCD’s unusual in that a lot of people who don’t have it, think they do. We’ve all heard someone describe themselves as being “so OCD.” Maybe you’ve said it yourself. You’d never hear someone who doesn’t have cancer claim to have cancer, yet that’s kind of what people are doing whenever they equate their fastidiousness with having a debilitating mental disorder. I know, I know: it’s not exactly the same and language evolves and blah blah blah. But it’s also illustrative of how we diminish mental illness, like when people claim they’re depressed after their favourite team loses.

OCD isn’t about being fastidious. Allow me to illustrate:

  • Person A: “I like being organized! Organization makes me feel calm and in control. I don’t do well amidst chaos.”
  • Person B: “I have to be organized, because if I don’t arrange things just so my family’s going to die in a fire.”

Spot the difference? To be sure, some people who do have OCD like being organized, just like some people who have OCD are left-handed or eat a pescatarian diet or listen to Blue Rodeo. Some people have OCD and couldn’t care less about being organized; I am one of these people. But don’t think I’m exaggerating about Person B: that’s an actual example of an obsessive thought, the kind that get stuck in a loop inside our brains and make OCD so debilitating. I’ve never had that particular thought, but it wouldn’t take long to find someone who has.

I think it’s also important to mention that OCDers don’t necessarily have comorbid (or simultaneously occurring) depression. Some do; I’m among the lucky ones who don’t, or at least hasn’t yet. It’s easy to say “choose optimism,” and I know that’s a tough thing for some people to do. But if you can then cling to it: optimism can be a powerful recovery tool.

So OCD isn’t depression, and it’s not a quirk either. One thing OCD is, at least in my case? A positive thing. I’ll explain in my next entry.


My OCD’s at a point where it hardly ever affects me: I haven’t had a flare-up since last October, if not last July, and while that doesn’t mean I’m “cured” or anything (since there is no cure) it’s still a wonderful development.

I wrote that on Thursday, May 18, shortly after learning that Chris Cornell had killed himself. A few hours later I was in the initial throes of what’d turn out to be the worst OCD lapse I’ve had in years – if not ever.

Cornell’s death was the the triggering incident – the McGuffin, if you will – but the real culprits were me messing around with my medication and, more broadly, becoming complacent with my recovery. I hadn’t had obsessive thoughts in so long I was starting to let myself think that maybe, just maybe, I’d kicked OCD once and for all. Which is difficult to do, if not quite impossible: OCD’s a chronic illness, and even if it’s been dormant for a long time it’s liable to rear its head at a moment’s notice (like, for instance, when your favourite singer dies by suicide). Moreover, I’d been doing great on 15 mg of Trintellix, which is the antidepressant I’ve been taking since January. It seemed logical therefore that I’d do even better on 10 mg. My doctor agreed. Of course, neither of us could’ve anticipated the McGuffin.

So that’s how the lapse began. But something else happened, too: I got pissed. How dare OCD force its way back into my life? How fucking dare it? And so I got pissed, and then I started fighting back.

This is part one of what’ll be a series of entries about my latest recovery from OCD. It might not be the last recovery – but two months in I’m feeling (and I don’t think I’m exaggerating) better than I’ve felt before.

Like, ever. I feel better than I’ve ever felt before. There have literally been times this week where I’ve sat back and marveled at just how good I’m feeling. (I am now knocking furiously on wood.)

I’m also working harder at my recovery than I’ve worked at almost anything. It’s been all-encompassing and my commitment’s been total. And each day the work starts as soon as I wake up and doesn’t end till right before I fall asleep with things called gratitude meditations. (This is the earth-y part of the process.) They’re a great way of starting and ending each day; plus, gratitude’s been shown to stimulate serotonin, which is also what antidepressants do.

Gratitude meditations are short and simple. In the morning I give thanks for…

  • My bed
  • My senses
  • The rest of my body, including my brain
  • Sam
  • My family
  • My friends; this’ll often expand to incorporate my broader community, including neighbours and co-workers

At night, meanwhile, I give thanks for three things. Sometimes they’re big (my fiancée!). Sometimes they’re not (dark roast coffee!…scratch that, dark roast coffee’s the best; once, though, I gave thanks for an aircraft that’d passed overhead earlier that evening, and while I do love to fly that one particular plane wasn’t especially meaningful to me). By enumerating things I’m grateful for at night I’ve begun finding all sorts of things to be thankful for during the day. Cumulatively, gratitude meditations have turned into a simple technique for appreciating my everyday life and being more aware of all the awesome in the world. Because when you’re looking for it, you’ll find it almost everywhere – sometimes, even, in mental health recovery.

This morning I’m grateful for light roast coffee, the British Open on TV, deliberately adding a second “l” to words, and the chance to share my recovery strategies with you. Have a gratefull day, everyone.

There’s Just One Thing Left to Be Said

Chris Cornell is dead – those words still don’t make sense – and I’ve hardly stopped thinking about him since I got HLP Paul’s text (which read, simply, “Chris Cornell,” followed by the shocked emoji) and became catatonic early Thursday. At first I avoided his voice (and music in general), then actively sought it out: I listened to Temple of the Dog, which helped, then “Seasons,” which didn’t, before moving onto Audioslave for the first time in ages. The thoughts about him haven’t been coherent, which I guess is inevitable when someone who’s been in your life for twenty years, suddenly passes away.

One thought, though, has stuck, and that’s the awful image of his final moments on this earth: Chris Cornell – husband, father, beloved rock star, and my favourite singer of all-time – dead in a casino hotel bathroom. He changed the world; he changed me. And he died alone, by his own hand.

I’ve never been suicidal, so I can’t imagine the sort of hell Chris Cornell must’ve been occupying in order to consider ending his life, let alone acting on those thoughts. His lyrics offer the best clues (see “When I’m Down” from Euphoria Mourning, for instance), but beyond empathizing with his plight we can’t know what he was thinking or feeling when he arrived back at the MGM Grand Detroit following Soundgarden’s concert at the Fox Theatre.

However, when someone kills themselves, especially someone rich and famous, someone else will almost invariably offer the opinion that he (or she) shouldn’t have been depressed because he (or she) was rich and famous. That opinion is bullshit. And that’s because mental illness doesn’t. give. a. shit. Mental illness didn’t give a shit that Chris Cornell was a rock star who’d literally just finished performing in front of 5,000 fans. Mental illness didn’t give a shit that Robin Williams was funny. Mental illness didn’t give a shit that Kurt Cobain had been crowned as the voice of his generation; it used that against him, actually. Mental illness didn’t care about those men; it didn’t care about their wives or kids or careers or money. It doesn’t care about me. And it doesn’t care about you, either.

That, to me, is the lesson to be drawn from Cornell’s death. To borrow from Lin-Manuel Miranda: mental illness doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints. Thinking that it does is how stigma metastasizes. Rich Larson, who wrote a far more eloquent Cornell eulogy than mine, nailed this point when he wrote:

Cornell is speaking to us all one last time. This isn’t something we left behind with our twenties. This isn’t something cured by age or financial security. This isn’t something you “outgrow.” If it’s allowed to fester, depression is stronger than wisdom. Depression is insidious and tenacious. Depression can get to anybody. It can make you feel like an old man at 27. It can make you feel lost as a child at 52.

Chris Cornell was sick. In some cases, depression is little more than a blip in a person’s life. In others, it can be fatal if left untreated. Please: don’t let it get to that point. Reach out (or reach down, if you prefer). Don’t assume mental illness can be outrun, because in a lot of instances it can’t. But it can be managed, and that starts with a single conversation. If there’s a silver lining to Chris Cornell’s death – and I have to believe there is – it’s that it might help one single person open up. And that’s something to cling to, even as we continue to mourn.

On Last Night’s Bike Ride

Last week I slashed my antidepressant dosage by a third, from 15mg a day to 10. My OCD’s at a point where it hardly ever affects me: I haven’t had a flare-up since last October, if not last July, and while that doesn’t mean I’m “cured” or anything (since there is no cure) it’s still a wonderful development.

But. Psychotropic drugs are meant to mess with your body, and any sort of adjustment, big or small, is going to have an impact. I’ve felt “off” since last week, and yesterday I was so lethargic I could hardly sit upright, let alone stand. Nonetheless, after work I came home, hopped on the bike, and went for a ride. We’re just a little over three weeks out from the Ride to Conquer Cancer; I need to get my miles in, withdrawal symptoms be damned. On my way back, riding alongside Lake Ontario into a brilliant early-evening sunset, I passed the Molson Amphitheatre, whose new corporate name I refuse to use.

I started thinking about some of the shows I’d seen there. Weezer. Aerosmith. Oasis and Pearl Jam twice each. Tom Petty. Robert Plant. Black Sabbath. And then another thought occurred to me: in spite of all I’ve seen there I’d never seen a truly transcendent Amphitheatre show. It’s my least-favourite major venue in Toronto. I don’t like the amphitheatre-style setup to begin with; the chore of entering and (especially) exiting the venue puts a damper on pre-show anticipation and gnaws away at any lingering post-concert bliss. It’s a tough room.

And then I realized: “Hey, this is where I saw Soundgarden for the first time!” It was one of the most special nights in my life as a music fan, the thing I dreamed would one day happen but that didn’t seem possible until I was actually down in the pit looking up at Kim Thayil, Ben Shepherd, Matt Cameron, and Chris Cornell. Isn’t Soundgarden playing Detroit tonight? I thought to myself. Sherkin and I had talked about getting tickets, but neither of us was sure if we’d be able to make it and then let the subject go.

And so I biked home, ate dinner, and went to bed. When I woke up, Chris Cornell had died of suicide, aged 52.