My Last Appointment With Dr. No

As far as I can gather I haven’t so much as mentioned Dr. No in over a year…but I thought it’d be fun to look back on our appointments one more time before consigning him to the memory bin (and seeing as how he thinks we’re able to make thoughts go away I’ll assume the same goes for memories). Our last official appointment was July 13, 2012, though you might recall me running into him at my former family doctor’s office a few months later. There, he practically begged me to make an appointment to come see him. Here are some more reasons why that didn’t happen:

break down thought; exactly what’s happening & how soon it’s repeated

Psychoanalysis. Got it. Totally doesn’t work for OCD–it actually makes it worse–but that’s a minor detail. Onwards!

ID spot of anxiety
heart palpitations; link to a certain thought
focus on heart -> breathing/hand-on-heart; bring in colour

I’d forgot about that! The hand-on-heart thing! Dr. No believed I could counteract the effects of anxiety by placing a hand over my heart and breathing more slowly; I guess he figured the slow-moving electrons would jump from one body part to the other and pass their slow-moving energy along and turn me from Honey Bunny into Fonzie. What’s Fonzie like? Cool.

take a glass/cup/etc; fill w/water, pour out (TANGIBLE)

I can’t even. Next comes a graph resembling a heavily-corniced mountain ridge; in one of the valleys I drew an arrow next to the words “respond; mindful.” I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean. After that I wrote some stuff about turning the OCD theme–the “worry thought,” in Dr. No’s parlance–into something creative, an idea I actually endorse. And then…

write the rhythm down (G & D, A, Asus, E)

How should I put this?

Firstly, this is something a registered psychologist actually had me write. Secondly, in case it isn’t clear, Dr. No wanted me to attach my OCD to music (the G/D/Asus stuff’s an actual chord progression I came up with in his office). Thirdly, he wanted me to bring my guitar to our next appointment and play him the music. I believe this was when the magnet came out.

It seems clear to me at least that Dr. No shouldn’t be able to practice any more: he’s promulgating treatment methods that aren’t just ineffective but counterproductive. But in the interests of always looking on the bright side of life, I suppose his utter ineffectiveness shows how far psychology’s come. These treatment techniques were probably thought to be effective when Dr. No started practicing. He’s not a bad doctor because he’s old; indeed, he’s younger than my psychologist, who’s a brilliant practitioner. Dr. No’s a bad doctor because he’s staunchly refused to adapt. Before I met Dr. No my former psychologist–we’ll call him Mike; he couldn’t take me back because he’d become a father again–gave me a list of questions to ask him and said if Dr. No couldn’t answer any one of them to stand up, shake his hand, and walk out of his office. But I didn’t do it, because it never even occurred to me that a professional psychologist would choose not to adapt new, proven treatment methods. All told I spent just over two months with Dr. No, and during that time he didn’t cause irreparable harm. But he could’ve; I believe he would’ve had I not done my homework and learned about OCD treatment methods. Getting out from under his thumb was one of the most important steps towards my recovery.


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