Did you read my musings on taking things slow? If not, you should: today’s Sunday and I’m still being slammed by obsessions that are a direct result of Friday’s ERP. Yesterday was marginally better than Friday; this morning’s been marginally better than yesterday morning, but OCD’s still pummeling me. Again, if this had happened a year ago I’d have broken down. As it is I’m able to more-or-less shrug it off, which is in and of itself a victory – but the lesson remains.
Hey, speaking of a year ago it’s been almost exactly a year since I met Dr. No. Let’s delve into another of our bizarre-o encounters!
From May 25:
- EFD (emotion-free)
- PTSS (from cancer?)
Re: that last point, Dr. No was convinced that my OCD’s a byproduct of childhood cancer. As I’ve mentioned, trying to unearth OCD’s origins is counterproductive; indeed, as the OCD Center of Los Angeles puts it, the advent of utilizing psychoanalysis to treat OCD “was worse than pointless – it was a disaster.” Thus, I told Dr. No I didn’t care about the “origins” of my OCD – and he proceeded to foist them (or, rather, his ideation of them) on me anyway. Good job, good effort. Moving along!
- NEGATIVE THOUGHT: we create it; how?
- compulsions = pos?
I’m as “glass half-full” as they come…but if compulsions were positive things then OCD wouldn’t be a disorder, now would it? In fairness, I can sort of see where Dr. No’s coming from – but only sort of. Compulsions suck, by the way. There’s really no way they’re positive things…unless…hang on…
- we can create new thought orbits => how? (turn neg. => pos. cognition)
- more creativity into thinking (e.g., blue pencil) -> more challenging
- obsessions => chain (neutral/positive) -> what lets the thoughts come up?
In essence, Dr. No believed that my obsessing would eventually burn out my OCD circuits and turn the “bad” thoughts into something positive. Which is an appealing notion – and totally and utterly wrong-headed. I realize Dr. No’s an actual doctor and I’m just an OCD patient who’s read way too much…but this alone should’ve made me realize he was leading me astray.
I knew this; I knew this almost from the day we met. So why did I stay with Dr. No for as long as I did? As I’ve said before, we OCD sufferers are notorious for running from our treatment providers – often for no good reason (like how people with so-called Relationship OCD sometimes break up with their partners for no good reason). I didn’t want to be that guy. Yeah, I thought things were off, but I wanted to stick with Dr. No until I knew they were wrong – which was probably in and of itself a function of having OCD. Besides, he was the doctor. I trusted that he knew what he was doing. And even when it became obvious he didn’t, I waited a good two months before seeking out Doc Awesome.
If there’s a positive that came from our time together – see what I’m doing here? – it’s that Dr. No eventually pushed me towards her.