I’m in the midst of the most successful week of my fantasy sports career–which has been notable for, among other reasons, my role in the greatest swindle in the history of the Not-so-Great-Northwestern Fantasy Football League. (At least 95% of you have already stopped reading. To the remaining two or three, you won’t be disappointed by what you’re about to read. Unless you’re Justin Hui–in which case, you’ll hate me more than you already do.) Without getting into too much detail, I ended up with Chad Pennington as my #1 quarterback–so when he went down with a potentially season-ending injury last weekend I was left scrambling for a replacement. Immediately I put out tenders for a quarterback…and was astonished when a team called REO Speedealer (which has since changed its name to Jackie Treehorn’s Armada) offered me Peyton Manning for Fred Taylor. Straight up.
You’ve got to understand: I agonized over drafting Fred Taylor. His name is practically a punch line in fantasy football circles; the chances of him playing a full sixteen-game season are as remote as Ryan and Marissa surviving beyond week ten of The O.C.. And here was REO Speedealer offering to take him off my hands in exchange for the #1 quarterback in fantasy football? I felt certain I was missing something; when I messaged my buddy Neil his immediate response was, “You sure it isn’t Eli?” Naturally, I accepted the deal–then waited for the inevitable veto. Never happened. Yesterday morning, Peyton Manning officially joined Jeff George: Future Hall of Famer. Next week I’ll be fielding a team comprised of Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Shaun Alexander, Ronnie Brown, Chad Johnson, Greg Lewis, Jay Feely and the Denver Broncos’ DST. The two or three readers who actually understand what I’m talking are already salivating.
On a related note, I’m three days away from winning my fantasy baseball league. Even if I don’t win, the $60 second place prize is enough to settle all of my debts with Neil, who runs enough sports gambling pools to warrant a bit part in Two for the Money. Also, I’m leading the Championemiership…Paul, eat your heart out. Back to more populist ranting later on this weekend.