La Gusenza’s Top 5 Contributions to My Life in 2004

Sometimes we do things we don’t mean–like get drunk, go home with crazy chicks and let them hump our knees to orgasms. Sometimes, we might even regret our indiscretions…and boy, if you wanna redefine the meaning of the word “regret” then I would invite you to get drunk, go home with a crazy chick, have her hump your knee to orgasm and then look at you and say without a trace of irony, “Was it good for you?” And right now, a major indiscretion has been brought to my attention: not once in my 2004 retrospecticus did I give mention to Talia Gusen, with whom I shared enough zany moments in 2004 you’d think she’d warrant her very own entry.

Actually, I guess she does:

  1. The Paul Langlois joke. One long, indecipherable word: “eeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.”
  2. The word “groove”. How can one argue with such a flexible word as groove? The answer: one cannot.
  3. Not one, not two, not three, but four Tragically Hip concerts. Talia was there every single time I saw the Hip in 2004–including the Mod Club show, where the infamous “Paul” joke was born. Props for her performance at Across the Causeway, where she told off a crowd surfer who landed on her head…never have I seen a man’s balls shrivel as quickly as his did as Talia stood over him screaming.
  4. Our Teensploitationfest. Okay, so it hasn’t quite materialized just yet…but at least we talked about it! No one in the entire world appreciates the merits of a good teensploitation movie quite like Talia Gusen, and her taste in movies reflects this proclivity. Then again, who am I to argue with Mean Girls?
  5. Our MSN conversations. If I had a dollar for every hour Talia and I spent talking on MSN last year I wouldn’t have to work another day as long as I live. Actually, I don’t need a dollar: you can’t put a price on that kind of friendship.

So there it is. A top five list unto herself, as should have been included in the original 2004 retrospective. Sometimes we make mistakes–but sometimes we get to make up for them. Now if I could only have September 23, 1999 back…

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